Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
