We named our party play list daddy issues
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
