mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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