I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize