My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
