Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
