we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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