So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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