I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
