ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
