Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
