The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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