ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
