Where did you get a picture of my penis
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
