I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
