my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
