Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
did you just send me my own nude
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
