I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
