the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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