first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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