She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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