wakey wakey hands off snakey
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
