I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
