i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
