I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
