I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize