In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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