My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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