just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
