you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
