some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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