so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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