Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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