I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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