I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
