I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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