im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
