Can i not drive my cunt home
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
