conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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