Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
