I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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