Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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