he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
