Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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