You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
