You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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