SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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