the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
