Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
