i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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