guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
