when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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