I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
