I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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