thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
