Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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