ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
this hospital has no fireball
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
