now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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