yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize