I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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