you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
