just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
