You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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