Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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