I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
