Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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