And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
