We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
