You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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