Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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