You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
