1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
