Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
